I'm waiting. Waiting for a sign that I've done the right thing. Waiting to understand this mess of feelings that brews inside me every day. Waiting to feel like my whole self again, whoever that is. Because as much as I'm starting over and really trying to be "brave," and putting on a relatively happy face and spending time with my friends and having all of these little victories, this just sucks. That's not to say that I don't have my good days, or even my great days, but today was not one of them.
I know that in the long run I'm going to be OK. I try to remind myself of that regularly. I keep fighting the good fight and trying to take care of myself. I've been worse than this. Much worse. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, I know what that feels like. I wouldn't even say I have the mean reds. Maybe it's just a touch of the blues. So, I need to stay focused and positive, though both of those things seem impossible right now. I know what my problem is. Classic low self esteem. Things happen that are the equivalent of being punched in the gut and I end up reeling. I get rejected or corrected or neglected and I start to think, "Wow, I thought I was cool, but I guess I'm not." The old thinking kicks in, the fourteen year-old girl shows up and I find myself having to rebuild again. I know I'm not that kid anymore, but I was for a long time and it's hard to let her go and send her to her room so to speak. It's ridiculous, I know. It's irrational to feel this way, because, as the man said "feelings aren't facts." That's true, they aren't. But they are still real.
So, I'll keep my chin up and remember that this feeling won't last. Just because I feel like crap tonight, doesn't mean I'm going to feel like crap forever. I'll take a cue from Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler and remember that "Tomorrow is another day." I know tomorrow is also a better day.
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