Monday, January 03, 2011

A Change in Me

"1/9/10. A new year, a new decade, a fresh start. A chance to believe in myself, believe in what other people see in me. I don't think I've ever been stronger, and yet there is that little bit in the back of my mind that doubts. It may never go away, especially not late at night when it is just me and my thoughts. I imagine it would be worse if not for the medicine. I still can't believe I waited so long to begin that process. I was afraid of the change it would bring. Who am I if not that weak, scared girl I've been for so long? Who am I to try something that might actually work, might make it easier to get through the tough days and the easy days? I was afraid to be even remotely happy. But I am getting there. I am learning."

"1/24/10. Change is good when you know what the change is going to be. I still don't know what my big change is going to be, but I sense it coming."

The change I sensed a year ago? It came. It's here. I'm writing this piece from my dorm room at the MFA residency I started seven days ago. Me. In an MFA program. For writing.

I didn't even know I wanted this until E sent me a link to the program on facebook. She gave me the information, answered my questions, arranged for a campus visit. She nudged me as only very few people can nudge me.

I knew I wanted this before I arrived at Enders Island. I submitted my application and transcripts the night before I visited the program in July. Spending a day on the island meeting people and sitting in on classes only made me want it more. I gave myself a month to get recommendations and a portfolio together.

I was scared. The last thing I wanted (or thought I wanted) this badly didn't happen. And it took a long time to get over it. If I failed at this...I didn't want to think about it. But I got it.

The first couple of days were overwhelming. There are all these people. All these
writers. I felt like a phony. At least I had my big sis and E. After some seminars and workshops I began to feel better. I've made some friends. I've started to participate. I've read some of my work in front of faculty and students. Here's the most important thing I've learned so far: I'm a writer. I'm part of a community of writers. I'm not alone.

The residency ends on Thursday, but this is my beginning. I'm ready to do the work.


erin said...

Oh Daisy,
You are not only a writer, but you are a GREAT writer. And also, you've done so much more than so many other people in the program... getting up there and READING your work?!?! your aamazing work? that takes dedication and guts. you're going to go so far in this program. I can't even tell you how happy I am that you are here, and that you are my lil sis.

kaydee said...

Daisy - Congratulations on taking this step to get your MFA. Your blog is great, you definitely have a lot to offer the world. It takes courage to follow an idea to its end, in writing and in life - trust yourself and you will do well! (I don't know you all that well, but I really do like what you've written on your blog - keep it up!)

Anonymous said...

I know just how you feel! Keep pushing forward.

Kate said...

Yeah, girl! We are on our way. Write like the rockstar we all know you are!

Sidenote: I love/hate you for introducing me to gofugyourself. I spent HOURS yesterday on the "Oh, Honey, No" tag. Just wanted to let you know before I unplug my Internet and get busy writing.

Miss you already!

erin said...

where you been? come back and blog! miss you