On My Own

The thing about living alone for the first time is that it's not as scary as I thought it would be. I actually can't believe that I lived to be thirty-five without ever living completely alone. It helps that I live in a super cute apartment on a street everyone loves (not bragging here, when I tell people where I'm living, they all say "Ohmygod I LOVE that street") and that I know a lot of my neighbors already. It also helps that my friends are super supportive and make sure I have plenty to do (movies, trivia night, dancing, etc) . But the biggest surprise is realizing that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I fixed the bathroom sink the other day, all by myself! Granted, it was a pretty easy thing to fix, but still...I did it. Small victories are key right now, and that was a huge small victory. Maybe I'm going to make it after all.

First Poem in the New Apartment

It goes without saying that this is a draft.

And Still...

The air is still.
And so am I,
for once.
At last
the stirring has
somehow
ceased.
The ebb and flow,
the constant waves
of emoting,
expressing
the need
to not swallow every scream.
This moment,
however brief,
brings the peace
to face
but not erase
the past
and prepare for whatever
still awaits.

Daisy C. Abreu
August 24, 2007

Just one of the guys

Here I am in Jackson Hole, Wyoming hanging out with the fellas hours before Chris’s wedding. It was one of my favorite parts of the trip. We had lunch near Cache Creek, went to the classic car show and shot a round of pool before getting Chris to the (figurative) church on time. I’ve known Chris forever and John's been an honorary part of our college crew for as long as I’ve known Chris, but I had just met Gary and Craig a couple of days earlier. No matter, I had a great time with these guys, which is just what I needed. There’s nothing like a day out with the boys to make a girl forget her troubles. The trip as a whole was great, the wedding was really beautiful and I got to spend some quality time with my two best friends, which means the world to me. But under my current circumstances, I have to admit that I was really struggling to keep it together from day to day. I just felt out of sorts and out of place a lot of the time, which is why being included in the boys’ day out meant so much to me.

Aside from obvious reasons, I really love being around my guy friends. I love their occasional disregard for ironing, their willingness to try to fix anything whether they know how to or not (I like to call this the MacGyver factor), and their general goofiness, especially when they’re trying to be cool. I love that they can go from asshole to teddy bear in about 25 seconds when necessary. And I love the lack of filter which can result in anything from uncomfortable laughter to absolute shock. Most of the men in my life don’t really have a filter, so as long as I brace myself for an honest answer, I can ask anything I want. (Sidebar: Please don’t think that I am one of those women who have nary a close girlfriend. How can you not have even one other woman to share the girly bits of life with when necessary? I have known women like that and frankly, it creeps me out.) While there’s nothing quite like getting the phone call when you've been crying into your haagen-daaz for days from your girlfirends saying “F**K GUYS! Let’s go dance!” I do have my moments when I need to be around the boys, if only to get a fresh perspective on life. My old roommate was this big, tough, barrel chested guy who worked in theater (he could build anything, seriously) and he always had all these guys coming over to the house to drink and play video games and shoot the shit for hours. Sometimes I would go upstairs and hang out with them. The best part was when they would forget that there was a girl in the room, because give a man enough to drink and he will say anything. I learned a lot about men from hanging out with those guys and I miss them.

There’s a widespread theory that men and women can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way. That may be true; I have some experience with that myself. I’ve been hurt by many a boy, but I still love them all. Right now, I’m at a place in my life where I don’t want to have that extra added nonsense. I just want to have a beer, watch the game and learn some new swear words…is that too much to ask?

Finding My Footing

Well, this is the hard part. Starting over. I am, literally and figuratively, in a new space. It's weird. It's hard ( I know, I said that already, but it's worth restating). It feels like I'm trying to walk underwater and I am not a strong swimmer. I guess it will get a little easier every day, that's what people tell me, anyway. I wish I could believe it.

The worst part is not knowing how I'm going to feel from one minute to the next. Actually, the worst part is wondering if I'll ever feel normal again. It's hard to breathe sometimes, it's hard to think straight, it's near impossible to keep my emotions in check. I know that this thing that's happening, this thing I'm going through, people deal with this every day, but how? How do people get over this sort of thing? How does anyone ever exhale again?

Every day, I say to myself, " I need something good to happen, something to make this hurt a little less." I realized today that good things do happen every day, they just aren't always colossal and showy, like winning the lottery. Every day, something good happens, a little reminder that someday, this girl is going to be herself again. Because I have to be, I need to be. Being this way is exhausting and absolutely no fun. So, reminders are good. Like finishing the chocolate ice cream in the freezer while watching Jeopardy, that's a good thing.Or getting a text message from my best friend reminding me that she loves me, that's a great thing. Small victories, true, but if I follow the philosophy of Three Beautiful Things, then I should be OK.

I don't know what's next. The summer has been kind of a blur, and aside from my little trip to Jackson Hole, WY (totally gorgeous out there by the way) I have not had a vacation in the traditional sense. I have friends all over the place, so I could go visit one of them. For right now, I just have to try to take care of myself, not my strong suit at all, but perhaps that is the lesson in all of this. Maybe this not so old girl can learn some new tricks.