Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Finding My Footing

Well, this is the hard part. Starting over. I am, literally and figuratively, in a new space. It's weird. It's hard ( I know, I said that already, but it's worth restating). It feels like I'm trying to walk underwater and I am not a strong swimmer. I guess it will get a little easier every day, that's what people tell me, anyway. I wish I could believe it.

The worst part is not knowing how I'm going to feel from one minute to the next. Actually, the worst part is wondering if I'll ever feel normal again. It's hard to breathe sometimes, it's hard to think straight, it's near impossible to keep my emotions in check. I know that this thing that's happening, this thing I'm going through, people deal with this every day, but how? How do people get over this sort of thing? How does anyone ever exhale again?

Every day, I say to myself, " I need something good to happen, something to make this hurt a little less." I realized today that good things do happen every day, they just aren't always colossal and showy, like winning the lottery. Every day, something good happens, a little reminder that someday, this girl is going to be herself again. Because I have to be, I need to be. Being this way is exhausting and absolutely no fun. So, reminders are good. Like finishing the chocolate ice cream in the freezer while watching Jeopardy, that's a good thing.Or getting a text message from my best friend reminding me that she loves me, that's a great thing. Small victories, true, but if I follow the philosophy of Three Beautiful Things, then I should be OK.

I don't know what's next. The summer has been kind of a blur, and aside from my little trip to Jackson Hole, WY (totally gorgeous out there by the way) I have not had a vacation in the traditional sense. I have friends all over the place, so I could go visit one of them. For right now, I just have to try to take care of myself, not my strong suit at all, but perhaps that is the lesson in all of this. Maybe this not so old girl can learn some new tricks.


Anonymous said...

Just one foot, or breath if needs be, at a time.

Ia said...

Like the little penguin in "Santa Claus is coming to Town", just put one foot in front of the other & soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor. More importantly remember that we love YOU, to the moon....and back!