Saturday, October 13, 2007

Fear Of A Blank Page (a rant of sorts)

OK, it's not even fear. It's, it's, I don't know what the hell it is. It's almost two weeks since I posted and as much as I think about writing every day, I don't really do it. So I decided to plop myself down and go for some stream of consciousness. No real filter, no one else around, no sound except for the Music to Leave NYC CD that Mr Doug made for me a while back. He's the reason I decided to open up a new page and go for it tonight, Mr. Doug that is. I was reading his blog entry about inspiration and U2's Joshua Tree and all the stuff he's doing with his music and thought, "well, damn, I better get off my ass and do something too." It was like he paid it forward without even knowing it, which is part of the reason any of us put ourselves out there in this way, isn't it? Maybe we inspire each other by trying to be brave and honest and out there. Or maybe not.

So, inspiration. I'm not going to pretend to know what it is or where it comes from, but it's out there, right? People get inspired all the time, don't they? Sure. But when I try to think about what inspires me lately, I come up short. Except for tonight when Mr. Doug's posting inspired me to be sitting here, talking to myself and to you and the world. I have this book, The Pocket Muse: Endless Inspiration. It's a series of writing prompts and exercises to get a person writing. I've looked at it once. OK, maybe more than once. It seems daunting. I know I should let go and try one and see how it feels, but I'm afraid. How stupid is that? I'm afraid to try an exercise in a writing book. An exercise that no one will ever see if I don't want them to see it.

I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety lately. I feel like I'm failing miserably in a lot of ways and it scares me. I'm in this holding pattern, this limbo, and try as I might I can't really shake it. I know everything will work itself out, but right now things are harder than I have been letting on to most people. Maybe all of this means I'm about to turn some corner, or maybe it means I have a long way to go. I do feel better writing all this down, so that's something.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad I read this. I'm glad you wrote it. I do read your stuff, then feel lost not knowing whether to leave a comment. Wishing you all the best, always, Laura

Anonymous said...

Oh, just write. You're talented. Jeeze.

Kat Johnston said...

I know what you mean, without a second thought of a doubt. Its even something that I have been posting about on my own blog because its such a big thing, really. It seems so silly, so irrational, but despite a logical side saying 'I can do this and it doesn't matter if I fail', it is put aside by the other side of you saying 'yes it does'.

I hope that since you have written this 'rant of sorts' almost a year ago things have improved on that front!

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