Sometimes, my dreams are so vivid, (like the ones about my Dad) that I wake up thinking "WTF just happened?" I had a dream that he came back, the Magnificent Obsession. I was at an art show with ML, I think it was at Artspace. ML's brother was showing a video piece. Cat was there, lots of people were there. I'm looking around, talking to people, having a laugh and whatnot. I look up and there he is. Just walks through the door like he's been living in town the whole time. And I'm thinking, "Is that? No freaking way, can't be." But it is. He looked how I imagine he would look now: glasses, shorter hair, ten years older. He comes over to me, puts his arm around my waist, gives me a peck on the cheek and tells me how nice it is to see me. OOOKaaay. Here's the kicker: he's with my grade school crush! Um, WHAT? And then, THEN, it turns out that he has a piece in the show too. A performance piece. Seriously? Seriously. And yes, it's bad performance art, what else would it be? At least my subconscious spared me from having him turn up in my dream wearing a kilt (he was Scottish by way of Louisiana and would show up at parties wearing one from time to time, but that would have really been too much for me).
I know why I had this dream. ML and I were having a very nice dinner at Central Steakhouse and we were talking about all sorts of things. His record, my book, work, taking a vacation, you know, stuff. We got on the topic of dating and relationships and how people meet their significant others. So it came up: how I had seen Magnificent Obsession at a party and fallen head over heels on sight. Yup, love at first sight. I realize this makes me a bit cliche, but whatever, it happened. I was at a YSD party with my friends, sitting with Mr. Doug, having a drink. I looked up and saw him dancing across the room and that was it. I was all "Who IS that?" and Mr. Doug said "Oh, that's Magnificent Obsession (if you want his name, you'll have to read my book if it ever comes out)." And then I said, "I'm in love with him." Just like that, I knew, not the way you know about a good melon, but still, I knew. And for the next three years, though I spent time with other boys and men, he was it for me.
I told ML how being with Magnificent Obsession was the best worst thing I've ever done I also said that everyone should have the opportunity to have that feeling of all consuming, gotta have you even though it might be bad for me in the short term I will learn from this in the long term kind of passion. Because then you know you're capable of feeling something that strong and hopefully you will feel something similar for the next person. Similar, not exactly the same, because that shit happens only once in a lifetime for most people. And a lot of people don't end up with the person that they felt all of that for in the first place, because maybe it's too much and maybe it's a wee bit unhealthy, as it was in my case.Ok, more than wee bit. (No, I don't have stats on all that, I'm just saying.Just speaking from experience here.) Did a lot of crazy things happen over the course of the three years we were involved (not together, because we were never officially together)? Yes. Did I behave foolishly? Oh my God, DID I, and often. Was I, in a nutshell, what my gays call "a hot mess?" Absolutely, sometimes even a hot drunken mess, because the booze makes everything more vivid and dramatic. Do I still think about him? From time to time (obviously, I just had a dream about him). Do I have regrets? Nope. When the dust settled after that one, I picked up the good memories and I carry them with me to this day. Ok, first I sought psychiatric help, THEN I sorted out the good from the bad and that's what I keep with me. So, to sum up, I know what it feels like to fall in love hard and fast. I know what having my heart totally broken feels like (did you know that you can actually have chest pains due to a broken heart?) and I know that I can survive both. AND, some good poems came out of it all, so really, what do I have to complain about? My point exactly.